GAMES ARE ASSHOLES

I just spent 3 hours playing Traveler IQ Challenge on Facebook. And 2 before that on Neopets (stop judging me the games are fun okay? Especially Eliv Thade because who doesn’t love Eliv Thade, I’m a fucking anagram master), and now I’ve exhausted all my mental energy and can’t do homework. My math textbook is just sitting there taunting me with its stupid ugly cover and right now I’m feeling especially antagonistic towards that particular book, because last night I stubbed my toe on it in the dark and now my pinky toe is swollen and disfigured and ugh I hate school

But the point of this post is not school, nor is it calc textbooks or broken pinkies. The point is that games are complete assholes, because they make you feel like total shit with their snarky, unappreciated commentary that you never even asked for. If I wanted your opinion on how clever I was, Traveler IQ, I would have asked for it. Basically the game gives you the name of a city in a certain country and you have to pinpoint it on the global map;  points are scaled by how many kilometers you were off from the location. As ridiculously nerdy that sounds the game is actually deceivingly fun (which is why I wasted three hours today playing it), except that it’s a complete asshole. For example if you’re like 3000 km off the point the game will be like, “Are you aware that this is planet Earth?” Yes I AM fucking aware because really, if I had thought that Port-Vila, Vanuata was on Mars then I would have been like “Traveler IQ, you are retarded, this city is on Mars and you are only giving me a map of Earth” and then I would have quit and done something productive with my life. But, no, it has to be a condescending bastard and treat me like I am dumber than a sack of bricks, which just motivates me to beat the goddamn game and keep playing it. Thanks a lot, Traveler IQ.

But it’s even worse when you’re actually closer to your destination. Whenever you’re only like 400 km off the game tries to act all nice, like “That was close!” or “You rock!” Except 400 km can actually  mean the difference between Poland and, I don’t know, Italy, while you can be 3000 km off a point and still be within the same hugeass country. So this scoring system is has no validity whatsoever and no matter how many times you tell me I’m awesome, stupid game, 400 km can still mean the difference between two totally different countries and 3000 km can still be within the same country. So really your praise is just degrading and it makes me feel like a culturally ignorant fool, yet somehow your insults are degrading too and you are just SO STUPID. Holy jesus this game is SO DUMB why did I just waste half my day playing it argh fuck you Traveler IQ

On the plus side, I’m inspired to watch Star Wars

This post will probably make no sense at all because it was written when I was on a lot of cold medicine and it was way too early in the morning to try to sound literate. Oh well. (The draft was written over winter break but I kind of forgot about it (actually there are a whole bunch of half-finished drafts in my posts folder that I don’t post because then all of you would think I abuse alcohol or drugs) but decided to post this one anyway because I suck at blogging and I haven’t written anything for an obscene amount of time.)

One of the most vivid dreams I’ve ever had was a nightmare about Halloween and Darth Vader.  I had this dream in 3rd grade, I believe, when my brother and I would still trick-or-treat together every year, so in the dream we were toddling along the neighborhood together. I was dressed in my usual jack-o-lantern costume (not to toot my own horn, but I have to say that as a toddler I was quite dashing in that pumpkin suit. It really accentuated my figure), while he was wearing a Darth Vader costume. From house to house we went, and all was hunky-dory. Soon, however, I started to notice that each piece of candy we got was morphing into a mini Darth Vader mask. Then, out of nowhere, a set of speakers rose out of the ground in front of us and someone that sounded like a small animal had crawled into his throat and died there screamed “RETURN HOME, YOUNG PADAWAN, AND LEAVE.”

Narwhals are pretty cool

NOTE: This post was written on the premise of misery and tears. Sorry I’m such a sad sack. Then I turned angry and ranty so most of it doesn’t actually make any sense, especially if you have a brain that works logically. Don’t judge me.

I can’t remember the days when I actually cared about school. Back in freshman year, sometimes I did my homework two days before it was due, and I even studied for tests now and then. Now, though, I’ve realized that school is basically like trying to complete a  fifty-mile race on an autistic pig.  My academic progress through the years has declined exponentially; the fact that my glory days were in sixth grade (seriously, I used to be golden) is a sad, sad testament to the festering pile of misery that is currently my life.

I know that I’m wallowing and wallowing is for narcissistic losers but lately I’ve been so miserable over my grades that I’ve just given up. I used to think I was decent at science, but now thanks to chem and a certain science teacher whose classroom reeks of sadness, I realized that I am an utterly incompetent fool who deserves to go back to grade school and relearn my goddamn times tables. I’ll do a long, ranty post about how fucked up I think the school system is later, but right now I don’t want to think about school anymore because it’ll make me want to  stomp on a cat.

I’m back, kind of

Hi. Sorry I died for three months, which is basically forever in internet time. I didn’t think anyone would care, because I didn’t realize that people actually read this, but apparently they do. I updated my “About Me” page because I kind of want to start again, but I can’t make any guarantees because I’m terrible at commitment, as my past pet gravestones can prove– “Skippy the roly-poly: captured 3/17/01 at 4:38 pm, died 3/17/01 at 6:52 pm.” Sorry, Skippy. I didn’t realize you needed air. (Don’t ask me why I named my roly-poly Skippy. I wanted a fish really badly at the time and maybe I thought that if I gave it a fishy-type name, it would turn into a fish.)

I AM SO HORRIFIED

WHAT THE F IS THIS

SINCE WHEN DID TRAINING TO BECOME A STRIPPER START AT AGE SEVEN

What the hell were their parents thinking? Yes, they are good dancers, but there is no need to shake their nonexistent junk so provocatively because 1) IT’S NOT EVEN THERE YET, LITTLE GIRLS and 2) You are SEVEN YEARS OLD. Also, what is up with those costumes? I don’t even know what type of little vampire-gothic-sexiness you’re trying to pull off, but you look like a baby prostitute. And honestly it is great and all that ya’ll are dancing so energetically, but is there really need for all those sexy moves? Close your legs, honey, and please stop trying to wiggle yourself all sexy-like.

Public transportation sure has its perks

So.. apparently I’m really sucky at updating this. And I’d really like to attribute that to “life,” but unfortunately, I still don’t have one. Some things will never change.

No, actually, I’ve been interning in this place and it’s kind of awesome and horrible at the same time. Kind of like if you met Johnny Depp and he decided to sign an autograph for you… with your own blood.

Does anyone actually know what I’m talking about because I don’t

I’m not really sure how to say this, but I think I have *slight* anxiety problems. My parents used to call me a “party girl” and “so social,” and even at the tender age of eight I thought they were delusional. Turns out they were, because these days I can’t go to a party without wanting to cry and hide in the bathroom. No joke, ya’ll. A few weeks ago I got asked to go to a barbeque with a bunch of people who I didn’t really know and it was most definitely in my best interest to go because getting to know them would have made my life about forty times easier, and that doesn’t make any sense because I feel slightly drunk on lack of sleep

wtf this is supposed to be summer what’s happening to my life

I’m going to go suck my thumb under my bed and pretend like the world doesn’t exist

This post is so full of fail after a month without updating I’M SORRY