On the plus side, I’m inspired to watch Star Wars

This post will probably make no sense at all because it was written when I was on a lot of cold medicine and it was way too early in the morning to try to sound literate. Oh well. (The draft was written over winter break but I kind of forgot about it (actually there are a whole bunch of half-finished drafts in my posts folder that I don’t post because then all of you would think I abuse alcohol or drugs) but decided to post this one anyway because I suck at blogging and I haven’t written anything for an obscene amount of time.)

One of the most vivid dreams I’ve ever had was a nightmare about Halloween and Darth Vader.  I had this dream in 3rd grade, I believe, when my brother and I would still trick-or-treat together every year, so in the dream we were toddling along the neighborhood together. I was dressed in my usual jack-o-lantern costume (not to toot my own horn, but I have to say that as a toddler I was quite dashing in that pumpkin suit. It really accentuated my figure), while he was wearing a Darth Vader costume. From house to house we went, and all was hunky-dory. Soon, however, I started to notice that each piece of candy we got was morphing into a mini Darth Vader mask. Then, out of nowhere, a set of speakers rose out of the ground in front of us and someone that sounded like a small animal had crawled into his throat and died there screamed “RETURN HOME, YOUNG PADAWAN, AND LEAVE.”

Here I was starting to get pretty scared, but then I looked at my brother and nearly peed myself because he wasn’t there anymore and in his stead was the real Darth Vader, and I was like holy fuck what is going on and started running home (as fast as my blobby pumpkin suit would let me, anyway). As I was running, my brother/Darth Vader chased after me about a thousand times faster than I could run, so I forced my way into a random neighbor’s house hoping that they would take pity on a hysterical 7-year-old and that I would be somewhat safe there. But once I was inside, the kindly neighbors weren’t there anymore; all of them had turned into Darth Vaders as well.

By that point I was completely terrified, so I left their house again and ran the rest of the way home, hoping to finally reach a safe refuge. Instead, though, my parents were gone and the house was full of vaguely radioactive Star Wars paraphernalia. I started crying upon seeing this, wondering what I had done wrong to the world, and then my brother/Darth Vader broke into the house and was like BWAHAHAHA I HAVE FINALLY CAUGHT MY PREY!! Then he stabbed me with a green light saber, and I woke up.

That probably sounds pretty comical, but I assure you that it was the scariest fucking dream I’ve ever had. You try imagining what it would be like to be all happy-dandy one second, and then attempting to escape from multiple duplicates of a terrifying Dark Lord who are all out to kill you. That dream actually instilled fear of the dark in me, as pathetic as that may seem, and I don’t really like trick-or-treating anymore.

(Side note: I’ve never actually watched any of the Star Wars movies. I don’t know what a Padawan is, or why Darth Vader is so scary. Which makes it even stranger because that way it should be less relevant to me, but isn’t. It’s like the equivalent of having a dream centered around flossing or cuddling baby animals, both of which are activities that I’m unfamiliar with.)

Then last night I had another super bizarre nightmare about a carnivorous unicorn named Ulysses who was gifted in tongues; he could speak fluent Mandarin and Swedish. (I’m not exaggerating; he had a distinguishable Shanghai-nese accent and a slight lisp. Actually, he sounded exactly like my 9-year-old nephew Wei-Wei, who cried and threw a tantrum when I beat him at chess. Perhaps this dream was Wei-Wei’s method of revenge, or maybe it was simply my subconscious’s leftover guilt from making a 9-year-old cry. Sorry, Wei-Wei.) I was trying to make friends with Ulysses, but as sociability is not my strong point and I’m about as easily likable as a hostile rodent, the unfriendly unicorn gored me with his horn and began to eat me, which was when I woke up.

BOTTOM LINE: Dreams are scary and unpleasant. Don’t do strange things before bed, because then you might have dreams about various gory ways of your own dismemberment. (Which doesn’t mean that *I* do strange things before bed. Just saying.)

Advertisement

~ by jackattack on January 21, 2011.