A n00b’s Disney adventure: Snow White

Disclaimer: This review is not going to be a good one. Crap does not deserve praise. Proceed at your own risk.

The movie opens with the audience’s ears getting slaughtered by Donald Duck on helium. This chick needs vocal surgery bad. Her voice is higher than my friend when she asked me to see The Last Song with her. (Nicolas Sparks + Miley Cyrus = me crying over what humanity has come to). Anyway, one of the song sequences is at the very beginning when she’s singing (I like to call it screeching, actually) about her Prince Charming. And then–golly, what are the chances!–a dude on a horse magically shows up and stalks her. Yet for some reason, she screams and runs away. I don’t understand. Isn’t she getting what she just asked for? I imagine this sort of conversation happening with her:

Too much information, dude. Way too much.

Last week I tried to study for my SAT Bio coming up next Saturday by going to my friend’s house and having a group study session, but I ended up eating ice cream and chips and cookies and various other junk food (including fried elephant ears, mmm) for the whole time instead. And then at night I told myself OKAY YOU ARE GOING TO SIT YOUR ASS DOWN AND STUDY THIS STUFF except then I ended up re-watching The Lion King late at night on my iTouch in bed. And I heard my parents outside saying Look, her lights are already out, how unusual. If only they knew. Actually no if they did know.. I really don’t want to think about it. Last time the mom caught me reading in bed she threw a fit and tried to beat me with my stuffed Yoshi. Nice try, mom.

Dogs are stupid. Also, I feel violated.

Sorry I haven’t really been updating lately. I haven’t actually been all that busy. Just lazy. And crap has been happening (such as going to a party and getting touched inappropriately by a dog). I don’t like dogs. I remember in third grade I went through a dog obsession and I memorized every dog in the book (I thought this thing was cute. Wtf was I smoking.) I really, really wanted a terrier. I don’t know why. They look like absurdly hairy rats. But now I think dogs are just nuisances that really need to keep their paws (and tongues) off things.

Sex is funny. Unless there are pictures.*

Sex-ed is awkward. You probably already know this. It’s also pretty funny. However, it’s even more funny when you’re being hit over the head with terms like seminiferous tubules, where sperm is made and cervix, the vagina within a vagina from not one but TWO classes. That’s right. Health and Biology are my new favorites. This shit is way easier to memorize than the normal stuff we cover in those classes (…which, in health, is virtually nothing. Not that I’m complaining.)

A n00b’s Disney adventure, part 5: Tarzan

Before I watched Tarzan, my friend warned me that it was sad. “Ha,” I said. “Bring it on. I’ll eat your tears, along with Hercules’ toenails,  for breakfast.” Alas, how very wrong I was.

The first eight minutes or so were so -expletive- amazing. More amazing than Facebook or immortal jellyfish or younger sisters. (Just sayin’). I was totally flabbergasted. Knock yourself out, kids. You’re going to want to rewatch it, I promise. I get crazy goosebumps every time I watch it, worse goosebumps than when I get caught doing bad things by my parents or when I eat saltine crackers.

No wonder my brain’s so screwed up

I am a pro at getting work done.

: What the hell are you doing? Aren’t you supposed to do be doing homework?

Me: I am. I’m almost done with my essay on why Pip is an enormous asshole.

: Then why did you just send me a picture of a baby snake?

Me: I’m doing BOTH, idiot. What, am I not allowed to look at reptiles while I work? This is sexist.

A n00b’s Disney adventure, part 4: Anastasia

I’d never even heard of Anastasia before I made one of my friends look through her house for all the Disney movies she owned. After running around her house and yelling at me for all the exercise I’d caused her (for most, that would be a good thing, folks, but not this girl) she came up with Anastasia. I asked, “What’s Anastasia? Isn’t that the chick who got shot by the Russian mafia back in 1500-whatever or something? Why would Disney even make a movie about a girl who got shot?” She told me I was stupid and that it was about some lost princess whose royal family was killed by civilians in a revolution, but her body was never found. I don’t know. I could have sworn that in the original story I heard, Anastasia was definitely shot too. Maybe when she said “No, Anastasia wasn’t killed for sure,” she meant “Yep that girl’s dead as a doorknob.” We have a very cryptic friendship. For example, that time she yelled at me for dropping her puppy, what she actually meant was “Ha-ha, I’ve been wanting to do that for months! I hate my dog!”